How to Maintain Inner Peace In a Hectic Relationship

Trigger warning: discussion of emotion and physical abuse 

The term hectic relationship can be looked at in many ways. It can mean a relationship where you are both constantly traveling and moving, where both of you feel you have no roots. It can also mean an unhealthy or toxic relationship where someone may feel neglected or emotionally (maybe even physically) abused in the relationship. These relationships can be with a romantic partner, family member, or friend. In any situation, relationships with another person should make you feel happy, safe, and joyful; not bring you stress, anxiety, and sorrow. This article will discuss unhealthy relationships, how to cope and what to do about them. 

Effort and Toxicity

First of all, all relationships have ups and downs. Nothing can be just rainbows and sunshine but in any situation, both people have to make an effort to mend fights or disagreements and come to a middle ground. In romantic relationships, this two-way effort may be called for more than in other relationships. Putting in the effort has to come from both partners. This means being aware of the amount of time your partner is spending on you and the amount of time you are giving to them. A relationship becomes toxic when one person is putting in much more effort than the other, feelings may not be reciprocated and this can lead to the larger issue of abuse. 

The signs of a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship 

Healthy relationships 

  • You can both be yourselves 

People prefer to exhibit only the most dazzling versions of themselves in the early stages of a relationship, hiding anything that can make them appear less appealing in their partner’s eyes. But it speaks well for your future as a partnership if you don’t feel the need to constantly wow your partner. Once you realize how much this person likes you, showing your insecurities will be easy. 

  • You are both there for each other

When you both agree to something it happens; when you say you’re going to call, you call. When you make a commitment to a plan, your spouse understands you’ll follow through on it, and vice versa. You know you can rely on each other for large and small things. When both parties feel safe and comfortable, this consistency enables the development of trust, which in turn permits intimacy to deepen.

  • Communication is open and you trust each other

If you can gradually open up to each other and accept each other for who you are, that’s a positive indicator. It takes guts, maturity, and inner strength to be truthful and vulnerable about the less-than-positive elements of ourselves, even with our partner.

  • Apologies are sincere 

Two persons who can take responsibility for their mistakes rather than making a long list of justifications for their actions are more likely to go through difficult times without animosity. We all make errors, say things we shouldn’t, and are sometimes selfish. It’s remarkable how restorative a simple “I’m sorry” can be for a relationship. If you have a spouse who is willing to apologize, that is a rare quality and strength, and you should do everything possible to maintain them.

  • Each other’s accomplishments are celebrated 

Couples that have been together for a long time remember that they are on the same team. The achievement of one spouse should not be frightening or cause jealousy in the other. It’s a win for both of you, and you should be proud of it. Your partner should not be perceived as your competitor but rather your teammate and partner in crime. 

Unhealthy relationships 

  • Dominance 

Your partner indicates that you are foolish or that they are “the clever one” in the relationship. When you and your partner dispute, they demand that you follow their instructions or leave. It’s their way or the highway, and you don’t get the impression that you’ll find a way to work together if you disagree.

  • Avoidance

They frequently avoid/miss opportunities that are critical to your success. Like your date of birth. You find yourself lying to other people because you’re embarrassed by your partner’s behavior, such as making reasons for why they didn’t show up for a planned function.

  • You feel scared and insecure

You don’t feel able to confide in your partner. If you were to reveal something that you’re sensitive about, you’re not sure if they’d react respectfully or helpfully. Your partner makes jokes about leaving you or teases you about what their “second” wife or husband will be like. You don’t have a sense of relationship security, you’ve broken up or almost broken up numerous times

  • Physical abuse

Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself by pointing out your thinning hair or drooping underarm skin. Your partner mocks you, for example, by making fun of your voice or facial expressions. They utilize you as a conduit for releasing their frustrations by inflicting bodily harm on you. If you believe your partner is abusing you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline

  • You get mixed signals

You have no idea how trustworthy, supportive, or reliable your partner would be in an emergency, such as if you or a close family member were involved in an accident. When you’re at home, they may support you, but not when you’re in front of others.

How to deal with unhealthy relationships 

The only way to get inner peace when in an unhealthy relationship is to leave. However, in the care where you believe things can change or can be improved whether it be with a romantic partner or a platonic relationship such as a family member. These are things to do to maintain inner peace and make circumstances better. 

  1. Explore your own needs: Detox, begin meditating or writing, read self-help literature, or enroll in weekly psychotherapy. When you go out, think about people you don’t want to engage with and try to meet new and different types of people.
  2. Accept: sometimes the only thing you can do is realize that this is their problem with themselves, they are dealing with their inner conflict. All you can do is work on your own inner conflict and don’t let theirs affect you. Accepting that the relationship was poisonous and that leaving may be the best option requires the individual to go through the phases of acceptance.
  3. Pursue self-growth: take time to work on yourself and tell them to take time for themselves. It is also best to discuss whether your partner is willing to put in the effort to address how the relationship is. If they aren’t keen on working it out between you two then it is not worth it and it is best to leave the romantic relationship or if it’s platonic then avoid creating a stronger relationship at all and work on accepting to let that person go. 
  4. Forgiveness: this step is how to hope once you’ve let that person go and out of your life. Forgiveness is a conscious and purposeful action. It’s a choice that will help you reclaim your life’s vibrancy, possibility, and integrity. Recognize that you are only resentful to the extent that you have relinquished control over your life. Finally, canceling the debt you believe they owe you. It’s a surrender and letting go of the pain that has been between you two. 
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